MOSCOW, WE HAVE LIFTOFF

Jennifer Lopez and hubby Mark Anthony announces they are expecting twins, Malaysia's first cosmonaut /astronaut /angkasawan /angkasa-two lifted off at local time 9.21pm today and this very event makes me miss the good ole' Red Nation, the Hammer and Sickle, formerly known as U.S.S.R./ C.C.C.P., the one and only Russian Federation. Led by a former KGB Director, a bald dude and in some parts considered a sex symbol by women above the age of 120, the Red Nation is slowly moving up the ranks in terms of economy, politics and espionage. Who'd ever forget the Litvinyenko case?


As I left the Russian Federation officially on the 20/07/07, I'd never imagine I'd miss the place. If you've stayed there, you'd know it sucks. Balls. Big time. Even more than Jenna Jameson. But I managed to compile a list of stuff in which the Red Army triumphs over it's enemies in every way.

1. Communist construction workers. They pwn. Literally. Which country would have their slaves, erm, I mean labourers toil through the sweltering temperatures of 40ºC and the cold harsh winters of -40ºC just to finish an apartment complex in under a year? Go Reds!
2. Girls. Hundreds of girls walking by you day in day out who could qualify for supermodels in most parts of the planet. Enough said.
3. Fashion. I've always told my friends this: Milan and Paris designed the clothes for Russians to wear. Coupled with model-like citizens, it's no wonder brides.ru is so popular.
4. Mafias. It's probably the only nation left where this secret underground society still holds absolute power over it's people and nation. The first Godfather movie pwns.
5. Discipline. Pure communist discipline. No wussy American whining either. Do it or risk getting shot in the face. Explains why #1 works so well.
   
6. AK-47. Cheap, light and abundant, it's no wonder it is used by every terrorist organization in the world. The AK-47 killed more people than all the other guns combined. It rules. Except when you are being shot by it.
7. Space exploration. Using recycled aluminum soda cans, their cheap but yet effective rockets make regular trips to the ISS and back with hardly any hitch unlike space shuttles. Even NASA has opted to stop their shuttle program and contracted all their space logistics to Star City, Moscow.
8. Unpredictable weather. This has its upside. Imagine playing with snow in the middle of May, windbreakers in June and chics with no bras most of the time. Their unpredictable weather has helped defend their land against foreign invaders 3 times. Sweden in 1707, Napoleon in 1812, and Nazi Germany in 1943. All 3 succumbed to Russian weather.
9. Vices. Imagine this. The license to cigarette tax is held by the Orthodox Church, vodkas are drunk more regular than water and most of the hot chicks turn into "escorts" by night. It's like Grand Theft Auto except you are living it.
10. Mother Russia. Standing at 85m in the middle of the Volgograd city, it's almost 2x the height of Lady Liberty. And it carries a sword instead of a wussy book. Swords cut through books, it's a fact.

For Mother Russia!